For the past month and 21 days, I have been trying to forget what was. I've tried fueling my anger, sulking in my sadness, faking a smile, and probably whatever other coping mechanism I could come up with. It's time to leave it behind. In just 26 more days, I have no other choice. I will be leaving the state of Kentucky. Leaving the place the last 2 1/2 years of memories were made. Walking away and never turning back. It's a bittersweet feeling, but it's what has to be done.
I was reading a friend of mine's blog post today. She reminded me that God always has a plan for you. I think it's hard to see that way sometimes. It's extremely hard for me right now. But I know it's true. I know that this life will work out. I hope and I pray that I will love like I have again, and hopefully even more. I pray my children will grow up to be loving, caring, respectable adults unlike their earthly father. I pray they grow up to be like their Father- God. And I pray every day that God will use me, will make me a better example for my children. I know I come up very short, but I don't want to anymore.
For those of you who have read before, you'll probably notice I deleted my old posts. It's better that way. The past is just that, the past. And I'm walking away from it. One of the things that made me realize I had to do it now was my MIL. I haven't spoken to her for some time, and when I spoke with her yesterday I realized how much easier it was not speaking to her. There are many reasons why, but the one I want to focus on right now is that the only thing she talks about is my husband. And it makes me angry. I was doing so good. I was making progress. I was focusing on the future. And then she has to jump in and remind me- Oh hey, yeah, he loves you by the way. He misses you and the kids so much. He's so sorry.
Sorry. I guess Justin Timberlake was right, sometimes it's just too late to apologize.
ANYWAYS. So- that is why I'm starting my blog over. I don't need any more reminders. I'm slowly ridding them in my house, and my Facebook, and wherever else they may pop up. Bear with me as I may suddenly have an unexpected emotional breakdown when it's all over. Once it's really over. I'm not ready for that yet, but I'm definitely getting there, and that's enough for me right now.